Tuesday, July 13, 2010

There are two types of people in this world...

Person A: The person who eats food either plain or with the occasional condiment.

Person B: The person who eats EVERY (or almost every) item of food with some condiment or another. It could be one condiment in particular that said person is particular to, or it could be a few. The point is, this eater must ALWAYS have a condiment available on a need basis.

Mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper...there are so many condiments that are quintessential to the All-American diet. We slather them on sandwiches, hot dogs, hamburgers, fries, you-name-it. And while most of us use these "food accessories", if you will, in moderation, there are some of us out there who just can't get enough of that stuff that they love. I am here confessing that I am a condiment addict.

When I was a child, my mother would pick me up from my school in Rochester, Minnesota to find yellow stains on my clothes. Thankfully, this was not due to a urinary problem (I would have had a much more difficult time socially if that were the case) but because of a condiment problem. Every day in the cafeteria, I would not squirt, not drizzle, but slather mustard on almost every gray-tinged food item that was on my industrial-grade food tray. It seemed like there was no wholesale-bought flavor that couldn't be improved by a generous glob of that bright, golden sauce that tasted like raindrops from the sun. Occasionally it would be accompanied by it's good friend Ketchup, and on the special occasion mixed together into an orange concoction I fondly called Mustup, much like many of the other curious or bored children at the lunch table. But I was first and foremost always loyal to my yellow friend. Eventually I became more careful aiming the bottle, saving myself more unsightly stains for my mother to try and scrub out. Yet my love for mustard has not waned, yet it has matured. Today I am a mustard connoisseur who enjoys the wide varieties that the mustard seed lends itself too, from spicy to Dijon to stone-ground to honey mustard dressing. So I guess I will always be a condiment person, and that's a mark that I don't want to come out in the wash.

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